Take What Is Handed to You.

    [29] Once when Jacob was cooking stew, Esau came in from the field, and he was exhausted. [30] And Esau said to Jacob, “Let me eat some of that red stew, for I am exhausted!” (Therefore his name was called Edom.) [31] Jacob said, “Sell me your birthright now.” [32] Esau said, “I am about to die; of what use is a birthright to me?” [33] Jacob said, “Swear to me now.” So he swore to him and sold his birthright to Jacob. [34] Then Jacob gave Esau bread and lentil stew, and he ate and drank and rose and went his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright.
   
(Genesis 25:29-34 ESV)

I wasn't planning on starting my blogs this way, it's just that what I was reading and what was on my heart today happened to be in these verses. I believe that the ones claiming to know God's grace, stomp on that gift and actually deny God the chance to bless us. I believe you will understand what i mean when I explain the verses.

Right before this section, it's explained that Jacob and Esau were destined to be at odds, they even wrestled in the womb. It's known that Jacob is pretty crafty as his name means "he cheats" and it seems that this verbal taunting was probably not a rare occurrence.The situation is kind of silly. Esau is apparently so exhausted that he sells his birthright (his inheritance, the blessings that he gets simply from being a firstborn son) all for a simple bowl of soup! 

Jacob is the one whom we shame in this passage because he was crafty, but the bible doesn't shame him. Instead it says of Esau, "that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal"(Hebrews 12:16 ESV). So what on earth did Esau do to deserve that to be said of him?

He took for granted the blessing.

How on earth could he miss it? His grandfather (who died when he was 15 approx.) was the most infamous of the OT saints! Promised that his descendants would be a great nation, numbering more than the stars in the heavens! He gave up the chance for God to bless him and his descendants for a measly bowl of soup!

My point is this: We are so much like Esau. We don't understand the depth of the grace we've been given! We are fooled so easily out of our right as believers for meaningless things that we find on earth. Do you not realize that all of the inheritance is yours? The eternal God grants you eternal life and to provide for you all you need (and this gift is obtained even now)! 

I was listening to Future of Forestry today and the song lyrics said this: 

"Take what you’re granted
Love be your mantra
Take what you’re handed
Love be your mantra"

Believer, stop taking grace for granted and receive what you have been granted. It's a free gift. Simply by being born into Christ you have it all. Don't allow it to be stolen or sworn away by simple pleasures of this world. Don't allow your doubts and fears and flesh to trick you out of the gift of life you have been given. 

Chelsy. 

How is This Love?

    [2] “I have loved you,” says the LORD. But you say, “How have you loved us?” “Is not Esau Jacob's brother?” declares the LORD. “Yet I have loved Jacob [3] but Esau I have hated. I have laid waste his hill country and left his heritage to jackals of the desert.”
(Malachi 1:2-3 ESV)

I believe we are brought up with a deserving attitude. We firmly believe in our hearts that we deserve the best and that we deserve it now. I've seen it at both of my work places. I've literally hear men and women say "I will do what I want to how I want to." But when it comes to the consequences of our actions we are quick to defend ourselves and we legitimately believe we don't deserve to be treated so "unfairly".

I believe we need to redefine some words in our vocabulary. 

The word: fair. Our definition (in the way we act) would classify fair as whatever benefits me. The criminals should receive a penalty for their crimes until I become a criminal. At that point it becomes unfair that a life sentence would be my penalty. The real definition of fair, however,  is by righteous judgement of actions in accordance with some standard or rule. God always makes His standards clear, and the standard is Himself. 

The words: good and bad. To us, good and bad are based on emotions, that's why the standards and laws for us are always changing. God defines good and evil right from the beginning. His intentions, His creations are both good. The first hint of evil comes out of lies, deceit and betrayal and from that day forward all the intentions of man's heart are evil. 

So, as cliche' as it may sound, if we were to better define these words we would say that God is fair, God is good. He is the standard and we do not measure up. 

I say all of this to pull you back into this verse from Malachi. The Lord loves us, not simply an emotional love and definitely not because we earned anything. What I am about to say is hard to hear, and some of you may not like to hear it, but the truth is God is free to choose who He will and will not extend grace to. To those who believe, it is a free gift, no earning it no losing it-ever! To those who choose to deny His love and resist His word, their own evil falls on their own heads. 

But we did not even deserve this chance! From the very begging the standard for sin was death, yet God allowed us in grace to live. Not only to live, but also to live again with Him (eternally)! Not only that, but because He knew man would fail to provide an acceptable sacrifice, He never demanded one, but provided one on our behalf (Himself)!

Yet we, like the Israelites, have the audacity to sit back and question, "How have you loved us?". What we are really asking is, why would you allow pain and hurt and sin and doubt. Why would you not give us what we think is good and fair? It's hard for me to say this, I relate to the Israelites so much on this, but God is loving us even through these things. He loves us because He saved us. He loves us because He bears with us and is patient through our sin. He loves us even though He isn't obligated to.

We need to redefine love. God is love. 

Chelsy.

Victory Over My Flesh.

I cannot explain to you how important communication is.

Last night I felt anxious, stressed, and alone in it. Jeffrey had just come home from Kentucky and I was excited to see him, but my excitement was suppressed by this lack of confidence and contentment (for supposedly no reason at all!). It took sitting down with him face to face and just talking, not necessarily about those feelings, but just anything and everything. About future, expectations, excitement, anything that is open and honest.

I can feel secure in his love.

I have trouble being told about a mistake I've made and not dealing with it right away. My roommates are starting to learn this the hard way. I immediately begin to feel overwhelmed, guilty, or defensive, for no reason at all (because usually this is a simple problem to fix). But the other night for instance, I confronted my simple fears and talked to Lisa and the issue was over so quickly we forgot it even existed, and it gave us the chance to get to know each others' heart better.

I can feel secure in my sisters' love.

Jesus is the most patient in relationship with me. He knows how insecure I can be, how much I can doubt who He says He is, and how much I fail at loving Him back. Yet He pursues me intensely! The other night I went to bed feeling like death, like I was so far and I didn't know where to go or how to find my way back. I woke up with the most assured feeling that He was right there in the room, in my heart, and in this situation with me. I began to tell Him, in honest, how I felt and I could begin to ask for His help and to thank Him for being with me.

I feel most secure in His love.

Communication bears the fruit of love. It breaks down barriers and invites others in. We can't go on hiding in the shadows, but allow Him to expose us. Although fear and shame and guilt will desire that we stay in hiding, it's so very worth it.

Chelsy

Every Lament is a Love Song: To Sing Together.

I've been learning to sing in harmony.

In high school, I was a part of our chamber choir and all state choir. Because of this, I was blessed with the opportunity of having an incredible, once-in-a-lifetime experience - to hear the true beauty of music. I cannot rightly explain to you the shear thrill of standing in front of an audience with the conductor holding your next breath in his right hand and hundreds of eyes poised and ready to react, with the hum of pitch already in their hearts. I cannot convey to you the emotional reaction of your heart as the words seep from your mouth in a language you don't understand, while your voice dances within the unity of all of those around you. I could use beautiful words, but you would never understand, unless you were there on stage singing with me in harmony.

There is so much to miss about choir. The unity that you have with the others, but not necessarily every day. Anyone in our chamber choir would tell you we hardly all got along all the time, most days this was nearly impossible. But Oh, when we sang! There was a magic that filled our hearts.

It didn't come over night, though. 

 The day we learned what song we would be singing was exciting, but the following weeks were gruesome - like torture! you have to get every pitch, every vowel, let alone all the words perfectly. You knew when someone made a mistake. They stuck out like a sore thumb! 

But Oh, when we sang! It overtook the crowd, but mostly it shook us. I remember countless times we would finally nail that one part and we would look at each other and gasp with laughter and amazement. I don't exaggerate the awe of this experience. It's truly one of a kind. 

This is what Jesus is teaching me. He's acting as my conductor and His church is turning into a most beautiful choir. 

 

Tonight I had the ability to stand by a friend in her pain and suffering and confusion. I felt in harmony with her. Because I've learned the part and know the pitch and have seen the resolution. All I can feel is the impact of the perfect note and I desire for her to hear it too. 

On Sunday, it was most experienced. A man and his wife in the midst of unspeakable suffering. He has terminal cancer - what cliche do the Christians have for a man like him? I could feel his pain. Not that I will ever understand a cancer patient's trial, nor would I want to. But what a blessing it was that I was able to pray over them both! I could have never deserved it, but I longed to do so, and I felt it with them and I was glad to sing along-side them in their mournful minor key. As we who know music know to well, the keys in minor and the songs in dissonance, are often the most beautiful, and they often have the most suspiring resolution. 

And then there are the things which bring me joy! Unity with one man who will be my own flesh and it's becoming clearer each day what this means! This song is the sweeter, but not grander than the others. It's the theater music that makes the place rumble and the part of the song where you begin to weep and you aren't sure why. The beautiful masterpiece which stops the room for a moment, and the pause is so long you feel your heart may collapse in anticipation, but the whispering Italian words seep back in and relieve you.

God has filled me with joy today. For the first time ever I am able too see my grief as a blessing a be thankful. I stood singing "Have thine own way, Lord" in worship and I know not whether it was my spirit or His inside me that said it, but there was a whisper behind the song (that harmonized so well). It said to the Lord that thine own way may lead me to the valley, but I am willing and eager to go there again. I will be healed and I will be shattered, for you are the great iconoclast and I am willing to know the shadow of death. I trust that He will lead me through valleys to walk me by springs of life and that he will always prepare a feast before my enemies. 

The greatest song I will ever know is being composed. I am learning my part and one Day, I will sing it with Him and my soul will not contain my joy.

Chelsy. 

Nothing Is About Me.

I've been reading about grief. 

The problem with books on suicide is that not a lot is written on the perspective of a survivor of suicide, that is people, like me, who were affected by the one who committed suicide. Beyond that, even less are from a Christian perspective (or if there are I am not aware of them).

However, I did find one book: Too Late to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla Fine.I also found a book by C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, about the death of his wife (from cancer). These two combined have begun to teach me how to separate the loss of my dad from the action of suicide, as these are two different things to grieve.

The book by C.S. Lewis is most powerful. This intelligent and faithful theologian feels and thinks just like I do in this time. He's incredibly vulnerable and blunt (as he did not originally intend for it to be published) as his faith is stretched to its limits. In relating to him I've realized something that is huge, at least for me.

He grieves in anger because God has taken something from him. He feels anguish because she was a beautiful part of his life. It made me wonder if he wishes he would have never met her at all, then he wouldn't feel this anguish (as they married knowing she had terminal cancer) . Still, I'm sure if she were here, she would not have felt the same. Because him being in her life for the last few years she had to live, helped her to come to terms with death and with God.

So it hit me like a brick.

Maybe its not about him. It's about her. What I mean to say is, that God allowed her to have him before she died, not God gave her to him before she died, just to take her away. My point is that my grief is selfish. It's based on God's intentions for only me- please see this! My bitterness believes that God has taken something dear from me, but I hardly consider that He allowed me to be with them and I was a blessing to them (His hand in motion and His grace extended to someone else). 

Not that this is a solution to grief. We count it as selfishness and move on. But it denies me any right to accuse the God who is good. Because although the loved one is gone, and there is nothing I can do, and it will never be easy to move on, I can know that He intended this for good (and not just for me).

What I hope to communicate is the idea that it is foolishness for me to believe that God works good only for me. God will work good for all, and I will never know the depths of that. This plan He has is not about me, and I have to understand that and not expect that "my will be done" instead of His. 

God kill our pride that says this world was created for us, that the world somehow revolves around what we think is best, and help us to praise You for exactly who You are (that will never change). 

Chelsy.