I've been reading about grief.
The problem with books on suicide is that not a lot is written on the perspective of a survivor of suicide, that is people, like me, who were affected by the one who committed suicide. Beyond that, even less are from a Christian perspective (or if there are I am not aware of them).
However, I did find one book: Too Late to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla Fine.I also found a book by C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, about the death of his wife (from cancer). These two combined have begun to teach me how to separate the loss of my dad from the action of suicide, as these are two different things to grieve.
The book by C.S. Lewis is most powerful. This intelligent and faithful theologian feels and thinks just like I do in this time. He's incredibly vulnerable and blunt (as he did not originally intend for it to be published) as his faith is stretched to its limits. In relating to him I've realized something that is huge, at least for me.
He grieves in anger because God has taken something from him. He feels anguish because she was a beautiful part of his life. It made me wonder if he wishes he would have never met her at all, then he wouldn't feel this anguish (as they married knowing she had terminal cancer) . Still, I'm sure if she were here, she would not have felt the same. Because him being in her life for the last few years she had to live, helped her to come to terms with death and with God.
The problem with books on suicide is that not a lot is written on the perspective of a survivor of suicide, that is people, like me, who were affected by the one who committed suicide. Beyond that, even less are from a Christian perspective (or if there are I am not aware of them).
However, I did find one book: Too Late to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla Fine.I also found a book by C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, about the death of his wife (from cancer). These two combined have begun to teach me how to separate the loss of my dad from the action of suicide, as these are two different things to grieve.
The book by C.S. Lewis is most powerful. This intelligent and faithful theologian feels and thinks just like I do in this time. He's incredibly vulnerable and blunt (as he did not originally intend for it to be published) as his faith is stretched to its limits. In relating to him I've realized something that is huge, at least for me.
He grieves in anger because God has taken something from him. He feels anguish because she was a beautiful part of his life. It made me wonder if he wishes he would have never met her at all, then he wouldn't feel this anguish (as they married knowing she had terminal cancer) . Still, I'm sure if she were here, she would not have felt the same. Because him being in her life for the last few years she had to live, helped her to come to terms with death and with God.
So it hit me like a brick.
Maybe its not about him. It's about her. What I mean to say is, that God allowed her to have him before she died, not God gave her to him before she died, just to take her away. My point is that my grief is selfish. It's based on God's intentions for only me- please see this! My bitterness believes that God has taken something dear from me, but I hardly consider that He allowed me to be with them and I was a blessing to them (His hand in motion and His grace extended to someone else).
Not that this is a solution to grief. We count it as selfishness and move on. But it denies me any right to accuse the God who is good. Because although the loved one is gone, and there is nothing I can do, and it will never be easy to move on, I can know that He intended this for good (and not just for me).
What I hope to communicate is the idea that it is foolishness for me to believe that God works good only for me. God will work good for all, and I will never know the depths of that. This plan He has is not about me, and I have to understand that and not expect that "my will be done" instead of His.
God kill our pride that says this world was created for us, that the world somehow revolves around what we think is best, and help us to praise You for exactly who You are (that will never change).
Chelsy.
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